Trench Tool

The Four Questions

PRACTICAL TOOL5 minutes

Think of one person and one recent moment that frustrated you. Hold that moment while you answer. These questions do not remove the standard — they change the order of operations.

The momentWhat happened, plainly, with no interpretation added.1 · What might this behavior be communicating?Behavior is often a message sent by someone without better language for it.2 · What could this person be protecting?Pride, a sibling, a secret, a reputation, a nervous system that has learned to expect trouble.3 · How can my presence reduce fear rather than increase it?Tone, volume, pace, proximity, timing, audience. Name what you will change.4 · How can accountability exist inside relationship?What is the standard, what is the consequence, and how will they know they are still wanted here?The next conversationFirst sentence only. Write the actual words.

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This exercise is for personal reflection. It is not an assessment, diagnosis or clinical instrument, and it does not replace care from a licensed professional.